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August 29, 2015

RMC FLASHBACK!

Your July 2009 Unrandom Movie Club Results Are In!

TAGLINE: Two men raised as brothers, divided by destiny.

THOU SHALT NOT KILMER!

In the Holyland (Hollywood and Highland), illuminated like a burning bush, is a large billboard TV, and back in 2004 it displayed images of Moses. Singing. On stage. And Moses looked a lot like...Val Kilmer? Wait a second...I believeth that IS Val Kilmer. And lo, the words did appear - "Val Kilmer IS Moses!"

How can I not see this show? How can anyone not see this show??? I mean, "Val Kilmer IS Moses!" With those four little words, I was sure this would be something I'd most likely remember for a long time.

So I grabbed a friend and he grabbed a friend and the three of us began our exodus. Our journey came to an abrupt halt when there before us stood formidable mountains. But suddenly, as if by divine intervention, the mountains parted and we were able to travel right through them, joining other caravans through the Cahuenga Pass on the 101 Freeway. Minutes later, we saw it. With its Egyptian decor, it loomed in the distance as if some omnipresent zoning department and developer waved a staff. And as part of this structure there was that large image of Val Kilmer again. We have arrived.
We approached the entry parched and ticketless, but our keen eyes spotted an oasis - card tables with people handing out tickets for those on guest lists. I see hundreds of tickets in neat stacks. I have to hand it to Moses for staying true and not...selling out. We spoke with these Tradesmen:

US: Can we get free entry to see Val Kilmer IS Moses?

TRADESMEN: What company are you with?

US: (Pause, then) Umm, what company do you want us to be from?

TRADESMEN: (With a wink) Variety.

US: We're from Variety.

TRADESMEN: Here you go. Three tickets. Enjoy the show.

So we got in for free so they can paddeth the house, for apparently Moses failed to make a prophet. But so what? Our journey was over. We would, like Moses himself, see The Ten Commandments with our own eyes. And we can spread the word.

And that word is SHIT. What the fuck were they thinking? Val Kilmer is Moses? In a musical? "Holy shit."

And just when I thought it couldn't get any better...I read the program. This show was directed by FROM JUSTIN TO KELLY helmer Robert Iscove. Actually, I can't really say if he did a good job or not, as it sure seemed as if he missed every rehearsal. This Branson-y show looked as if anyone did anything they wanted whenever they wanted, including but not limited to oversinging, high school choreography, chintzy effects, songs that would embarrass Jim Steinman and lyrics so laughable and god-awful that I believe the cast wore so much make-up just to conceal their humiliated faces.

And now, years later, it's RMC's 10th anniversary and what better way to celebrate than watch this spectacle which defying all logic, some idiot released on DVD in 2006.

The show starts off with a misstep that lets you know you're in for an evening of laughable mediocrity. After the Pharoah Seti, who is apparently radioactive (a cheesy post-production effect on the DVD), demands all Hebrew newborns be killed, Yokebad places her newborn doll into a really fake river downstage. But you can't see the doll moving across the river because Val's teleprompters (probably a necessary afterthought) were obstructing the view. Yes, the very first "effect" of the show didn't work. Way to open big. Anyway, at the other end of the stage the Pharaoh's daughter, Princess Bithia, adopts the doll. And not long after, Val Kilmer IS Moses.

What follows is a two hour schlock opera, and if you're not totally familiar with the story, the characters get lost and so will you. Sure, you can kind of follow along, but prepare ye to be confused for much of it. For example, when Moses is questioning his identity ("Suddenly I'm feeling alone. Suddenly I feel I'm not at home."), what the hell are the slaves doing? With the bottom halves of their bodies in holes in the stage? Someone said they were stomping grapes and we all laughed. But I think that's really what they were doing.

Some of the heartiest bellylaughs came from the stage effects. The plagues, especially. Oh, and the parting of the Red Sea, which they must have thought was called The Blue Plastic Sea With Wires. (Sing along with Moses! "Nothing we can do but take the leap into the deep!") And let us not rule out the burning bush and the voice of God, which sounded like the voice from that computer software that reads English. And please, don't get me started on the animated frogs...

One thing (okay, the only thing) they did right was cast amazing singers (Val's not terrible, but he is the weak link, sometimes sounding like Peter Gabriel, other times Neil Diamond, but mostly just sounding bland). In fact, about twenty minutes in, then unknown American Idol runner-up Adam Lambert appears as Joshua.

He sings IS ANYBODY LISTENING, a ballad as smelly and disposable as used Pampers ("You can tie a rock to my soul/but you can't build a prison for my mind, no.") Lambert is no False "Idol." His vocal skills are from another planet, as are those of a lot of the singers in the show, like Alisan Porter, who in another lifetime played the title role in John Hughes' film CURLY SUE ("She'll Steal Your Heart!"). But sadly, they had to screw that up as well. For there's not a note in the show that isn't oversung or screamed or overly emoted or brimming with enough melismata to make Mariah Carey yell, "Stop it already!"

As killer as the voices are, there's not a song in the show worth spit. It sometimes feels like a SIMPSONS parody of the story of Moses. In fact, I believe I found the animatic storyboards they used for THE TEN COMMANDMENTS: THE MUSICAL (click the last of the three videos in this link): http://tinyurl.com/dxw5hy

As we all know, there's nothing better than crappy songs that everyone sings with their eyebrows to make sure you know how sincere they are. And every song sounds like the overproduced songs from the 80s, with the bombast of Bonnie Tyler and the Lynn drum snare hits of a TOP GUN tune. So it's no miracle to learn they were written by 1980s Madonna collaborator Patrick Leonard. The orchestra was in a room somewhere. Why bother? Why didn't they just flip the switch to the drum machine and start the sequencer?

This was accompanied by such deep lyrics as "today the sun touched my face and cried a thousand tears." Didn't you write that poem when you were 7 and a half? Moses may have lived 120 years, but this Moses died in the first five minutes. Every damn song mentions either tears or sand. Many songs do both. And the endless empty and pedestrian similes are enough to make you cringe. Thank lyricist Maribeth Derry for that. She herself, on a DVD extra, beams to us; "...they gave us total freedom...(it's not often) where you have producers that really let you be artists..." Well, Maribeth, maybe not watching over you was the producer's egregious mistake. And if you think I'm being harsh, here's a quote from a review from Talking Broadway: "Maribeth Derry's lyrics are, at best, bad, and at worst, actually offensive."

"I wouldn't hire you to play Val Kilmer in 'The Val Kilmer Story!'" That was reportedly the line that director John Frankenheimer spat at Kilmer during the filming of THE ISLAND OF DR. MOREAU. Though it may be Hollywood folklore, I believe it to be true. But I kind of like Kilmer. He supports many charities, often without the Bono press, and he redeemed himself the following year with his role as Gay Perry in KISS KISS BANG BANG. So what if he acts in movies that underperform (to be kind) and suck (to be direct). Does he really deserve to be a punching bag?

Well, yeah. When you sign on for this, you should get shot down. You deserve to be laughed at when you are quoted as saying, "I asked myself whether any project I could develop would have as much impact as playing Moses, and there was no way. I've really tried to capture the essence of the man." Val Kilmer IS embarrassing.

THE TEN COMMANDMENTS: THE MUSICAL is a fulsome endeavor of biblical proportions. A disaster. A catastrophe. And you can carve that in stone. Get it?

Posted by Rich at 11:14 PM | Permalink |

August 15, 2015

HIGH SCHOOL CONFIDENTIAL

Your February 2014 Random Movie Club Results Are In!

Tagline: Behind these “nice” school walls… A TEACHER’S NIGHTMARE!...A TEEN-AGE JUNGLE!

Cool Dialogue: “You got 32 teeth buster, wanna try for none?”

Pizza: Maria’s Italian Kitchen

Preshow Entertainment: THE TWILIGHT ZONE episodes THE FEVER and THE AFTER HOURS

IN THIS TOWN, SCHOOL LETS OUT AT 4:20

The year - 1958. It was before Russ Tamblyn was Riff in WEST SIDE STORY, before Jackie Coogan was Uncle Fester in THE ADDAMS FAMILY, and before John Drew Barrymore had a daughter and named her after him. It was a year into Jerry Lee Lewis’s career, and five years after Joan Olander changed her name to Mamie Van Doren. It was between the time Michael Landon was a teenage werewolf and when he lived in that not-so-big house on a meadow. 1958 was also the year all of these people teamed up, along with the son of Charlie Chaplin, to make HIGH SCHOOL CONFIDENTIAL. It’s a fun teen exploitation movie, full of tough guys and chicks, oblivious parents, overzealous authority figures and a jazz piano-playing drug lord.

If you want to watch HSC just for Jerry Lee Lewis, you’ll only need to view the first few minutes, when he and his band play the title song of the movie from the back of a truck as it moves through town, ostensibly to sell records to citizens. What it’s actually doing is setting the movie’s mood; that rock and roll is anarchy, and there will be trouble in River City.

Transfer student and troublemaker (he’s in his seventh year of high school) Tony Baker (Tamblyn, whose daughter Amber keeps texting me. Girl, leave me alone! You’re married!) hops in his car on his way to school when he realizes he needs a shave…so he pulls out an electric razor and shaves while driving, which just makes me laugh uncontrollably. The first time I saw that was when Emilio Estevez did it in the movie WISDOM. Do people not have time to shave at home?? And are there no shaving-while-driving laws? Actually, there’s a reason Tony’s shaving on the way to school, but viewers won’t learn why for quite a while. Anyway…

Tony wants no part of the Wheeler Dealers, the student ‘weed-head’ suppliers on campus. No, Tony’s got no time to work his way up the delinquent ladder. He’s “looking to graze on some grass,” and wants to start at the top. And “before this crummy day’s over, every crummy stud in this whole crummy school is gonna know who Tony Baker is.”

Tony’s a tough guy, who in his first few minutes at school insults the office clerk, a teacher, and finally the school principal (waiting, Tony sits at the principal’s desk playing with a knife while smoking). Yet when he gets home, he has a glass of…milk. Hmmm. The principal’s seen kids like Tony before, and English teacher Miss Williams (Jan Sterling), who at first is angered by him, softens up to attempt to change him, even though Tony’s hot for teacher. Tony lives with aunt Jessica Rabbit, I mean, Gwen, a siren played by Mamie Van Doren, who enters with a muted trumpet on the soundtrack. And get this…she comes onto Tony.

And then the movie gets all preachy, with the police commissioner holding court with the principal and teachers, showing them what marijuana cigarettes look like, explaining the lingo (“let’s turn on!”) and telling them just how bad drugs are. And all the while, Tony is focused on finding the local drug kingpin known as ‘Mr. A,’ so he can cut out the middle man (especially leader J.I., played by John Drew Barrymore), buy wholesale, and push to his heart’s content.

Philippa Fallon

Serviceably directed by Jack Arnold (who also did one of my favorite family films of the 60s, HELLO DOWN THERE, as well as famous B-movie sci-fi/horror movies CREATURE FROM THE BLACK LAGOON and IT CAME FROM OUTER SPACE), HSC is fun for many reasons. Sure, it’s campy (it was probably campy in 1958), which is always amusing, but it also has something not common in teen exploitation films – (supposedly) four writers and lots of drafts. Yes, there’s lots of stuff going on in here. Besides the already mentioned, we have Michael Landon as Steve, who is trying to recruit Tony for the football team. We have Tony not only muscling in on J.I.’s Wheeler-Dealer turf, but also on his girl Joan (Diane Jergens). We have a girl overdosing on heroin, a drag race right out of REBEL, and best of all, Philippa Fallon. We have to talk about beat poetess Phillipa and her poem, performed as a call and response with a jazz band. A poem called HIGH SCHOOL DRAG. It was written by Mel Welles, who also wrote for influential outsider Lord Buckley. Here’s a sampling: “I had a canary that couldn’t sing, I had a cat that let me share her pad with her. I bought a dog that killed the cat that ate the canary. What is truth? … Tomorrow is Dragsville, cats. Tomorrow is a king-sized drag.” Welles also wrote the hip dialogue about Christopher Columbus’s voyage that Barrymore spews to his class when the teacher’s away: “And after Chris met his boat connection and scored for three, he got some cats together with eyes for adventure and split across the Atlantic ‘no tomorrow’ style.”

John Barrymore

Which segues nicely to one of the movie’s many jollities - its slang. Almost non-stop, the phrases fly out of every kid’s lips (when I say ‘kid’, I mean actors in their 20s playing teens). And it’s not just the slang that’s fun, it’s other dialogue as well. When they discover one of the students is a heroin addict, Joan tells Tony, “I thought she was a weed-head like me.” His reply? “She was. She graduated.”

Anyway, it all builds up a head of steam in the last 20 minutes. Through a henchman named Bix (Ray Anthony), Tony finally gets to meet and deal with Mr. A. Ray Anthony was married to Van Doren at the time, although this was the year she asked Anthony, who incidentally wrote the song “The Bunny Hop,” for a divorce. Bix, who refers to himself in the 3rd person (“Bix likes it cool”) has a phone in his car. A car phone in 1958. He’s right. Bix likes it cool.

From what I’ve read, everyone involved in HSC was being serious about the subject matter when making the movie. They wanted to deliver an anti-drug message, though it didn’t really work. Director Arnold would later say that he thought marijuana was the gateway to heroin only because it said so in the script. It seems this ‘gateway’ idea will never go away. Ten years later, it was also mentioned in the similar exploitation movie MARYJANE, coincidentally screened at RMC a few months ago.

HIGH SCHOOL CONFIDENTIAL was produced by exploitation king Albert Zugsmith, who somehow managed to also produce the esteemed TOUCH OF EVIL that same year. It’s true, while he produced B-movies like the 1952 precursor to RED DAWN called INVASION USA as well as SEX KITTENS GO TO COLLEGE and THE BEAT GENERATION, he balanced them out with more legitimate fare like TOUCH OF EVIL and WRITTEN ON THE WIND. Baffling, yet cool. Cool as Bix.

There’s another Hollywood tidbit about HIGH SCHOOL CONFIDENTIAL. It was the first gig for Hollywood car modifier George Barris, who still has a cool shop in walking distance to Random Movie Club Headquarters. Barris went on to help create, among many cars, the Munsters car and the Batmobile.

There’s a tag at the end of HIGH SCHOOL CONFIDENTIAL, where a narrator tells us in somber and important tones that the bad guys are in jail, and the good guys are all off drugs and happy (“Joan confines her smoking to ordinary cigarettes.”). I imagine this had something to do with appeasing the MPAA. I’ve also learned there was a prologue, where a doctor talks right to us, telling of the dangers of drugs. But that prologue seems to be lost. So for now, let’s just all hope that “this insidious menace to the schools of our country is exposed and destroyed.” Are you picking this up? Because I’m putting it down.

Preshow Entertainment: THE TWILIGHT ZONE episodes THE FEVER and THE AFTER HOURS

Lots of people love THE TWILIGHT ZONE. And everyone has their favorites. Even Dan Aykroyd and Albert Brooks: (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ngvbQoJ5Mzo). I sure have mine, and one of them is THE FEVER. I love it for many reasons; its veiled story of how addiction can kill you (though it’s gambling here, it applies to every addiction), the amazing acting by Everett Sloane who, in 22 minutes, changes from a man who refuses to gamble to a man obsessed. But most of all, by Rod Serling’s perfect script. It gets me every time, especially the two speeches Sloane makes about gambling, speeches which I secretly, till now, imagined Serling wrote about Hollywood. Here they are:

Click to Play Video

Click to Play Video

THE FEVER was directed by Robert Florey, who also directed another of my Top Five Zones called PERCHANCE TO DREAM. He also co-directed the Marx Brothers in their first film, THE COCOANUTS, making my worlds collide.

We also watched THE AFTER HOURS, another great ZONE. This one has the personal distinction of being the first ZONE I’d ever seen. My dad was downstairs watching it, and I joined him…and was hooked. This is the story of Marsha (Anne Francis with porcelain skin that could belie the payoff) trapped inside a department store overnight, only to discover her fate. This is another Serling script, though perhaps plagiarized from John Collier’s 1940 story EVENING PRIMROSE. Oddly (or maybe not), THE CHASER, another Collier story, aired 3 episodes before THE FEVER on the ZONE. Makes me suspicious of some under the table deal (“Give me PRIMROSE and I’ll buy another one off ya…”) PRIMROSE would become a one-off TV musical in 1966 with Anthony Perkins and Charmian Carr (Liesl in THE SOUND OF MUSIC, her only other credit). The show’s songs were written by Stephen Sondheim. It’s on DVD, and it’s actually pretty great.

Posted by Rich at 10:00 AM | Permalink |

August 01, 2015

WITNESS FOR THE PROSECUTION

Your January 2014 RMC2 Results Are In!

TAGLINE: Unmatched…in a half century of motion picture suspense!

PIZZA: Big Mama and Big Papa

PRESHOW: CRISIS IN MORALITY, BABYSITTERS' GUIDE

COOL DIALOGUE: Brogan-Moore: “Touching, isn’t it? The way he counts on his wife.” Wilfred: “Yes. Like a drowning man clutching at a razor blade.”

ARE AGATHA’S PLOT POINTS CHRISTIE CLEAR?
IS BILLY DIRECTING WILDER THAN USUAL?
DOES TYRONE HAVE THE POWER TO GET ACQUITTED?
DID LAWYER CHARLES JUST SAY, “THERE OUGHTTA BE A LAUGHTON?”
IS MARLENE A, UM…ERR…A DIETRICHMENT
TO HER HUSBAND’S MURDER CASE?

You can feel safe that I won’t be giving anything away. I try never to do that anyway, though I’ll sometimes give you a Spoiler Alert. But if it pleases the court, I will say this; you know how there are some movies that you forget just how great they are? This is one. Please watch this movie. Not only am I petitioning you, but I’m also begging you. WITNESS FOR THE PROSECUTION is guilty of being one of my favorite movies.

OPENING ARGUMENTS:

The crime we are talking about is a felony, for if you have never seen WITNESS FOR THE PROSECUTION (1957), you will be charged with one count of first degree cinemacide. I’ll try to be brief as I outline the case.

First, the writing. WFTP was written by Billy Wilder, Harry Kurnitz and Larry Marcus, adapted from the Agatha Christie play, which itself was based on her short story. We all know Christie was an amazing mystery writer. Some, myself included, credit her for popularizing the “One Location” mystery with her unbeatable story/play/masterpiece AND THEN THERE WERE NONE. It’s a genre more popular today than ever.

The acting. Charles Laughton as barrister Wilfred stuns me with his talents here, including his side-of-the mouth quip delivery system. He really does make Sir Wilfred one of filmdom’s most fun characters. I mean, has there ever been a character so full of contempt yet so lovable? Yes, I love Laughton in this movie, but everyone’s great. John Williams (no no, not THAT one) is fun to see, with his stoic British demeanor. And, of course, the unstoppable Marlene Dietrich, in all her Germanic Life is a Cabaret glory as Christine, the accused’s wife. Dietrich, who incidentally was the one who brought the project to Wilder, is a symbol of fierce independence; Christine is a solid soul who stands strong in all situations, stronger than her war-torn Berlin living quarters did.

The directing. Billy Wilder. Gosh. He’s made so many of my Top 100 films - THE APARTMENT, THE LOST WEEKEND, DOUBLE INDEMNITY, STALAG 17, ACE IN THE HOLE and SUNSET BLVD (yes, I do like SOME LIKE IT HOT and others, but I like these a whole lot more). This is the 5th Wilder movie screened at RMC (AVANTI – 2010, A FOREIGN AFFAIR – 2009, STALAG 17 – 2006, THE PRIVATE LIFE OF SHERLOCK HOLMES – 2000).

Next, I will provide evidence of the thoroughly appealing tone of the movie. It’s kind of amusing, me writing this review while on a looooong break in a Jury Room in Los Angeles, waiting to be called or not called. As I watch the judge in WITNESS FOR THE PROSECUTION on my laptop, I’m not sure I agree with the movie’s tagline of “Unmatched…in a half century of motion picture suspense!” Sure, WFTP is a courtroom drama/mystery, but even better, it’s a comedy. So disregard taglines and what Wikipedia says. WFTP is extremely funny. Hilarious funny. But if your idea of funny is watching Adam Sandler high-five a walrus, this may not be your movie. But who am I to judge?

And lastly, an array of exemplary characters, all smart, funny and wonderfully realized. It’s that look Sir Wilfred gives his nurse Miss Plimsoll in the opening scene, on the way back from his hospital visit as she chatters away. And if the look isn’t enough, he tells her “If I knew how much you talked, I wouldn’t have come out of my coma.” Within seconds, we learn this will be no ordinary courtroom thriller. This movie will be funny, too, which is rarely an easy balancing act. But like Nat King Cole or Eddie Van Halen, Billy Wilder just makes it all look so easy, so effortless.

But there are radical and risky things too. How many movies can get away with a 37 minute courtroom trial? Well, this one does, and it’s plot-driven and entertaining. Actually, about an hour of this movie takes place in the courtroom, and the other hour, with a few exceptions, takes place in law offices. And yes, I timed it out myself. Seriously, there is not 30 seconds of this movie where there’s nothing fun going on, and it’s not limited to sharp patter, as when Wilfred uses the reflection of his monocle as a makeshift interrogation lamp on the accused. Or witness the execution of a shot where the chief inspector walks from the back of the cavernous courtroom to the front. Wilder’s camera stays at the doorway, making us wait in real time for the man to reach the witness stand.

Another thing I love is how Wilder & Co. take things as mundane as eggbeaters and silly hats and make them into important plot points.

THE CASE:

Sir Wilfred has been in the hospital for two months and is itching to bring his corpulent cynical self back for one last case. You have to love how ornery he is, and how no one in his employ pays any mind. They’re all there to annoy him, and he’s there to annoy them, yet no one is annoyed, except for:

Elsa Lanchester (Laughton’s real wife/alleged beard) as Miss Plimsoll. I imagine they had a lot of fun playing these bickersons. “If you were a woman, Miss Plimsoll, I would strike you.”

Enter the specious Leonard Vole (Tyrone Power, in his last role), accused of murdering Mrs. French, a dowager who befriended Vole and added him to her will. This is just what Wilfred’s doctor didn’t order! Of course Wilfred wants this juicy case, having been relegated to a “diet of bland civil suits.” Mrs. French’s housekeeper Janet (Una O’Connor, fabulous here, her last movie as well) adds even more color to an already full spectrum.

We all love twists and turns, especially in courtroom stories (I’ve even written one myself), and WFTP has no shortage of them. Wilfred is even aware that something’s not right about this case, the same way Edward G. Robinson’s character Keys has his “little man” who would “tie knots in his stomach” when something wasn’t kosher in another great Wilder film that’s a must-see, DOUBLE INDEMNITY. (Sorry for that run-on sentence).

CLOSING ARGUMENTS:

So those are the facts of my case. Additionally, please witness how Wilder takes a dramatically rich court case and frills it up with amusement; Plimsoll’s watch going off to remind Wilfred to take his pill. The use of said pills as a device for the passing of time. The comedic tête-à-tête between Wilfred and the prosecutor. The nasty demeanor of Janet, right down to the stink-eye she tosses Vole. The obtrusive microphone Janet doesn’t want to use. This movie has more flavor than Starburst.

I’m halfway through reading the play, out of curiosity regarding how much was Agatha Christie. It seems she was responsible for most of the actual plot points and almost all the characters, while Wilder & Co. did the lion’s share of the dialogue. I know they also added Sir Wilfred’s heart problem, the Plimsoll character, and the cigars and brandy.

The Prosecution rests.

By the way, the case I just sat on in Los Angeles? We found the defendant not guilty.

PRESHOW: CRISIS IN MORALITY, BABYSITTER’S GUIDE

CRISIS IN MORALITY – This gem is brought to us by the Bible Institute of Los Angeles (BIOLA). It’s about the sickness in our society, “Degradation on every level.” It’s “the moral decay of the people” that will make America die. This documentary short is filled with quotes and statistics that seem either out of context or just plain made up. “Gang wars (not Bloods and Crips) - groups of teens who, in two more years, will be arrested in the rate of 1 million per year. Crime is one of the symptoms of the disease of sin in the heart.” Here’s another stat – “Out of 8000 teenagers who passed through the juvenile system, only 42 regularly attended Sunday school.” They also claim that nearly 20% of births in Los Angeles are illegitimate, 70% pregnant are Junior High School age.

And then they say “how tragic it is that we have taken the Bible out of the classroom. They actually say, with anger, that it’s “unconstitutional.”

Then there’s other sins like divorce, narcotics, gambling, alcoholism, profanity and obscenity and immorality (sex). All the things people love. Way to win over people, BIOLA!

BABYSITTER’S GUIDE – What’s odd about this one is that it’s from 1975. Usually these films go back to the 50s, sometimes even earlier. It starts with a scare; a headline screaming “Search for missing Babysitter.” Then the short tells prospective sitters to do things like to call the police if the person who calls you to sit can’t be found in the phonebook. They advise seeing the people you’re sitting for for a preliminary visit; bring a pad (preferably with a bunny on it) to take down the numbers for police, etc. And they tell you to bring a flashlight, but they don’t say why. Maybe to cram for a gyno test. In the course of a single night, our sweet babysitter puts a Band-aid on one kid’s finger, wipes the gook off the other kid’s mouth (who was left in the bathroom unattended), writes the license number of a persistent guy who wants to give her a ride, and yanks the kids out of the house when there’s a fire. Yipes! Good thing she saw this film so she knew to do that.

Posted by Rich at 11:00 PM | Permalink |

May 02, 2015

JAGGED EDGE

Click Photo to Enlarge

Back in 1992, I wondered how many times
Jeff Bridges ran his hands through his hair.

So I watched all his movies,
counted the number of times,
and sold this to Premiere Magazine.

It’s amazing how two people can see the same movie and write completely different reviews. To the left, a review I found on Netflix.

Below, my review.

Your Random Movie Club Results Are In!

Cool Dialogue: “You think I killed my wife? Prove it.”

Tagline: When a murder case is this shocking, which do you trust... your emotions or the evidence?
Pizza: Joe Peeps

Preshow Entertainment: Jerry and Dean’s Television Party for MDA (1953)

IN JAGGED EDGE,
JEFF BRIDGES
THE GAP BY KEEPING
GLENN CLOSE

I’ve seen JAGGED EDGE (1985) a bunch of times. The first time, in the theater, I was blown away, just like Siskel and Ebert were, as well as almost everyone. I saw it again a few years later, on Video Home System (VHS, to you neo-Luddites) and found it pedestrian. Of course having known all the twists and turns from the first viewing certainly lessened the wow factor. Another few years go by and guess what? I watched it again…and liked it again. Years later, I didn’t like it, finding it not just routine, but actually cheesy, with ham-fisted clichés seeping out of my Sony and staining my carpeting. So when it was selected by the Random Movie Generator, I was curious as to which side my jagged taste would land on, which makes sense, as the movie itself is a guessing game. Suffice to say, this time it landed on the good side. So, for today anyway, I’m going to recommend JAGGED EDGE.

I have a theory as to why I teeter so much on this movie. When JAGGED EDGE first came out, it was new and refreshing, spinning the tired thriller into a bombastic yet super-fun joyride. And it hit big. So big that Hollywood did what it does best – produced a spate of bombastic yet super-fun thrillers, like SEA OF LOVE, FATAL ATTRACTION and BASIC INSTINCT. In fact, the first movie I sold (it was never made) rode on this very wave. But of course, mine was so much better than the others, right? Anyway, eventually, SLIVER was released, and the wave hit the breakwater…and that was that. So what was mildly clichéd then is now uber clichéd. Therefore, let’s be kind to JAGGED EDGE, since it did rebirth the thriller genre. That said, it’s also fun to make fun of things, so I’ve assembled a list of JAGGED EDGE clichés:

The “Is he innocent or is he a murderer?” character, who stands to collect millions from his wife’s death, and whose boyishness flies in the face of his alleged crime.
The female lawyer with a conscience. And a guy’s name.
The potty-mouthed P.I. named, of course, Sam, who wears a tee shirt with a rip in it and has a mini-fridge stocked with nothing but beer.
The slick D.A. who, when not in the courtroom, is sipping on a drink or puffing on a cigar.
Characters eating Chinese food out of containers.
The car that won’t start when someone is trying to get away fast.
The shower someone takes when they want to wash the “filth” off them.
Fake’n’forced dialogue spilling from the mouths of plastic kids.
The scene of the crime is a lone house…on a hill…by the ocean, waves crashing against the rocks.
The crime occurred on a dark and stormy night.
And cliché-i-est of them all: The janitor who reads Boudoir Magazine while at work and talks like a classic henchman in a noir radio play.

But please don’t get me wrong, for despite all the clichés, there’s a fun and suspenseful movie here.

JAGGED EDGE opens with a double murder, and though we’re present for it, we don’t get to see who the killer is. He or she is in a knit cap. Enter Teddy Barnes (Glenn Close, who, now that I think about it, has a guy’s name in real life, too), the lawyer who will defend Jack Forrester (Jeff Bridges), arrested for the murder of his wife (newspaper owner Paige Forrester) and their maid. Teddy, a tough and focused lawyer who gave up criminal law to wash herself clean of all the sneaky bullshit, is conflicted…till she meets Jack. She’s swept away by his candor, his looks, his charm and his horses (there’s a stable on the estate’s property). It’s not long before she falls for him, a cardinal sin both in the legal profession and the thriller genre. It’s rarely a smart choice. I’m not saying Jack is the murderer, I’m just saying it’s rarely a smart choice.

It doesn’t help Jack’s case that D.A. Krasny (Peter Coyote) is bitter towards Jack for writing scathing editorials against him in his newspaper. And if that’s not enough, Krasny and Teddy have a history – she knows he covered up evidence in the trial of one Harry Styles a few years ago, when she worked for Krasny, evidence that could have saved Styles from going to jail…and eventually hanging himself. That’s Teddy’s demon. And her want? Well, she’s a divorcee with two kids. You put the pieces together.

Helping her with the case is salty P.I. Sam Ransom (sure sounds like a noir nod – Sam Ransom, P.I.), played by juicy scene stealing Robert Loggia, who digs around for clues but mostly keeps Teddy in check (“Is that your head talking or another part of your anatomy?”). I’ve said it a million times, always get a funny foul-mouthed slob to help you if you’re ever accused of ripping your wife open with a hunting knife and writing “bitch” in her blood on the wall over her bed.

So those are the players, and that’s the set up. Did he do it? Well, that’s the mystery, as symbolized by Krasny slamming a nesting doll down on evidentiary documents, as if to say, “This is a puzzle within a puzzle within a puzzle.”

Director Richard Marquand only helmed 6 movies (including RETURN OF THE JEDI and the too-forgotten-about EYE OF THE NEEDLE) in his cut-short life (he didn’t quite make it to 50). He does a fine job here, though I wish he didn’t put in all those courtroom audience murmurs each time shocking evidence or testimony was revealed. It’s laughable, akin to that scene in THE MAN WITH TWO BRAINS (http://go.shr.lc/1fc4caZ). But as much as it pains me to say it, a lot of the success of JAGGED EDGE has to go to Hungarian bully Joe Eszterhas.

What can I say about writer Joe Eszterhas? A lot. But I won’t. Let’s just shortcut it by saying he was responsible for some of the worst movies (or best guilty pleasures, take your pick) ever made. Movies like, well, see if you can guess; Teenaged girl Alex (yet another guy’s name) is a welder by day, erotic dancer by night, lives in a warehouse-sized apartment, dates her older boss and dreams of being accepted into the dance academy though she’s never had a dance lesson in her life. FLASHDANCE was nominated for a Razzie that year, but Joe lost to THE LONELY LADY (screened at RMC in 2000 - we sure watch some fun movies!). But Joe redeemed himself later by getting Razzie nominations for both SLIVER and JADE, and winning – twice - for BURN HOLLYWOOD BURN and SHOWGIRLS.

JAGGED EDGE did leave a bit of an imprint on pop culture. For one, the folks at Adult Swim did a HARVEY BIRDMAN episode parroting (I went with the Birdman thing) JAGGED EDGE’s shower scene, discovery of the typewriter with the raised ‘t’, the horses, and other stuff that makes no sense if you’ve never seen the movie. JAGGED EDGE also had a personal moment for RMC. Towards the end of the movie, a bunch of reporters swarm to ask questions, and RMCer Jessie jumped up from the couch screaming - “That’s my dad!” He was an extra, playing a reporter.

There’s something else about JAGGED EDGE that became famous - its continuity and lack thereof. In the first courtroom scene, Glenn Close is wearing a gray pantsuit. Moments later, they cut to her in a black outfit. Then, during the first witness’s examination, she’s wearing a third outfit, a brown one. Then back to the black one. And Krasny’s breast pocket cigars come and go as well. But I’ve discovered a bigger problem. When I bring it up, friends tap dance around why they think it’s not a problem, but I never agree.

<SKIP THIS ‘SPOILER BOX’ IF YOU DON’T WANT TO READ MAJOR SPOILERS>

Jack is wearing a black knit cap in the opening scene. But why? If he’s going there to kill both people in the house, what’s the point? Same thing at the end, when he goes to kill Teddy. If the movie were made today, the “maybe there are security cameras around the house” argument would hold water, but in 1985? Okay, we all know Jack covers his face for one reason only, and that’s because he was kind enough to realize there’d be no mystery if we saw him kill his wife. Nice of him to think of us! Here’s another. Jack claims the murderer hit him on the head and knocked him out, then killed the maid and Jack’s wife. Well, why did the murderer not kill Jack too? Even if it was person of interest Bobby Slade, who was vindictive and wanted to kill Paige; Slade killed the maid, so why wouldn’t he also kill Jack? Not a plot hole, per se, just sloppy. I mean, I suppose it’s possible that the murderer, for whatever reason, killed the maid and only knocked Jack out. And while we’re in the Spoiler Box, let me throw some plot holes your way.

If Jack set this whole thing up, he was sure counting on a lot. This was his plan:

A year and a half before I murder my wife and maid, I’ll brutally rape a woman in Santa Cruz using the same knife I will kill my wife with, so I could frame tennis instructor Bobby Slade.
I will hope Bobby Slade doesn’t die or move in those 18 months.
I’ll get Teddy Barnes to represent me. And then have sex with her.
To ensure that they’ll make the connection, I’ll send anonymous notes to Teddy, and with any luck, no one will investigate who is sending her these notes.
I’ll only type these notes on an easily traceable typewriter. I don’t even need to get the broken “t” key fixed, even though it can connect me to this crime.
To be safe, I’ll hide the typewriter in the most remote place possible, under some towels in the bedroom, a few yards from where I’ll have sex with Teddy.

Here are more holes, unrelated to Jack’s plan:

Jack is either super lucky or Teddy’s super dumb. At one point, Teddy thinks Jack is the murderer. She even tells him to his face. Yet not only does she continue defending him, she doesn’t seem the least bit afraid that he’s insane and can kill her whenever he chooses. She’s more hurt that he lied to her.
And how weird was it that after the trial, Teddy tells the press that she was complicit with Krasny in withholding evidence in the Harry Styles case? Surely she’ll be disbarred for that! (We assume Krasny gets disbarred.)
Teddy finds the typewriter in Jack’s closet! Okay, that hole’s big enough on its own, but what happens next? Later, when he realizes she knows it was him, Jack decides he must kill her. But why does he think she’s hasn’t already called the police? She didn’t, but she should have, and any sane man would have thought that she did. Oh, wait…

<SPOILER BOX ENDS>

So yes, I said this was a good script and yes, it’s Swiss cheese. But this just proves one thing; that when people buy a ticket, they want to take the ride, even if they can see the wires that make the Spook House skeleton move. They’re willing to not see things in the interest of having a good time. And with that said, JAGGED EDGE is indeed a fun ride.

Preshow Entertainment: Jerry and Dean’s Television Party for MDA

On Thanksgiving of 1953, ABC ran a variety show hosted by Dean Martin and Jerry Lewis. This was the precursor to the famous Jerry Lewis Muscular Dystrophy telethons that began in 1966 and ran for decades. There were no tote boards here. The money would come via donations given to local letter carriers working after hours and on their days off to hit every house in every town.

Eddie Cantor began the show by introducing Dean and Jerry, who were the hugest stars in the country at the time, though their partnership would end bitterly in 1956. We only got to watch about 30 minutes of this 1 hour 40 minute time capsule of what live TV was like, and, for that matter, what entertainment was like in the Golden Age of Television. Here’s what we saw:

Letter Carriers of America spokesman Bill Dougherty made Dean and Jerry honorary members. I love that he said, “You’ll find that the pay isn’t so good, but it’s an outside job…” Then, four mailmen, The Minneapolis Letter Carriers Quartet, sang SENTIMENTAL JOURNEY barbershop quartet-style. Way to open big! Two of them looked like Burt Mustin and Charles Lane, so I’m pretty sure they’ve retired to their pine postal boxes by now. Dean sang THAT’S AMORE, which was currently on the charts and would become his signature song. Carol Richards came on next singing OVER THE RAINBOW with its introductory verse heard in many versions, but not featured in THE WIZARD OF OZ. The orchestra did a solid 4 minutes, followed by Phil Harris (Baloo in THE JUNGLE BOOK) singing MINNIE THE MERMAID.

We’ll have to watch the rest sometime soon!

Posted by Rich at 10:28 PM | Permalink |

April 18, 2015

CELESTE AND JESSE FOREVER

Your RMC2 Results Are Finally In!

Tagline: A Loved Story.

Cool Dialogue: Riley to Celeste: “You think you’re smarter than everybody. And that is your dark little prison.” (Looks at Celeste’s shoes) “Nice shoes.”

Preshow Entertainment: CBS MORNING NEWS from August 1987

ANDY SAMBERG HAS A
RASHIDA JONES IN
CELESTE AND JESSIE FOREVER

Celeste and Jesse are silly Gen Y versions of Annie and Alvy’s intelligentsia couple from ANNIE HALL. They’re a goofy and playful pair, perfect for each other. They spend every day laughing at their antics - from reading menus in German accents to ejaculating a tube of lip balm. So why’re they getting a divorce? Because they get along better as friends than husband and wife. Though they see nothing wrong with this, their friends do. But Jesse counters to them, “You don’t have to choose sides! It’s the perfect break-up!” It’s been six months since announcing their divorce, and they’ve never had more fun. And it’s annoying not just to their friends, but to us too. No one should be that freakin’ happy. It’s unnatural.

Andy Samberg plays Jesse, perhaps (it’s hard to say) the less mature of the two. Like his BROOKLYN NINE-NINE’s Jake Peralta (I’m not familiar with his SNL work, but I’ll go out on a limb and say…“and like many of his SNL characters”), Jesse is silly. He’s not thinking of the future – says Celeste, he “doesn’t have a checking account or dress shoes. The father of my children will have a car.” We all know a Jesse – the guy who’s here not to simply amuse others, but to amuse himself. I fear myself a bit Jesse-y. Anyway…

Celeste, played by the less schticky Rashida Jones (who scripted, with Will McCormack), is the author of the new book, SHITEGEIST, about the dwindling creativity in culture, as if we need to read a book to know about that.

Jesse now lives in the guest house because, though the characters don’t realize it, he is now a guest in Celeste’s life. And when they say goodnight, it comes with an “I love you.”

This is the story of a love that works on paper, but not in real life. “Love” and “In Love” - two opposing forces that make things complicated, which is a fine thesis for a romantic comedy. Is Celeste jealous when Jesse tells her of an upcoming date with Yogurt Girl? And, a la ANNIE HALL, does she ask Jesse to come over to help with the Gen Y version of killing a spider – assembling a piece of Ikea furniture? Is that why she really called him?

Like so many romcoms, Celeste goes on a series of bad dates. Meanwhile, Jesse hooks up with a girl from his recent past, Veronica. And that’s when an interesting thing happens. Jesse works to become more mature. But that’s a thing you can't just do, it's something that comes naturally...and slowly. He does try, taking steps like going vegan, as if that’d do it. Meanwhile, Celeste remains in such deep denial about her emotional attachment to Jesse that even her date can see it. This is a real thing in life. You don’t need writing classes to know that stories that come from things that can happen in real life are more relatable. Even their fighting comes from truth, as the invisible things surface; Celeste’s resentment that she paid for everything while supporting Jesse, and Jesse’s jealousy over Celeste’s career. Here’s another thing you may be able to relate to. One late night, while in the same room, tipsy, they have a moment; a kiss, and they both know it’s not a good idea. You can see them thinking, wrestling with their impulses from their brains, from their hearts and certainly from elsewhere. It takes a long time for them to decide to go for it or not, and we’re there with them, understanding that feeling of it being simultaneously right and wrong.

And I have to say, as pesky as Celeste and Jesse can get, they are twice as adorable. They look like a real couple. They act like a real couple. And if they were in the room with you, I bet they’d smell like a real couple, whatever that means. Yes, somehow, and I don’t know how, the physics works. Jones looks like a girl and Samberg looks like a boy. I mean to say, an average girl and boy (soon they may graduate to woman and man). It’s all so… believable. Heightened, but believable, all because of the real world things they do. When she’s at a party, Celeste checks her face in the reflection of an ice bucket. Or the way she tosses her sunglasses off as if they were on fire when she realizes that her badmouthing of the person she is calling has been accidentally recorded on their voicemail. Of course, there are less subtle moments, like when Celeste uses her new friend/pothead/supplier Skillz’s stupid long bong. It looks like she’s playing a didgeridoo. Another broad scene has Jesse and Veronica catching Celeste red-handed inside their garbage container (she was curious). Sure, it’s a Romantic Comedy requisite, done in a million ways in half a million movies, but we laugh at this because we care about who she is, and what she’s going through (she also eyeballs Jesse’s Facebook page….go ahead…cast the first stone).

The supporting cast is wonderful. Elijah Wood plays the Romcom Gay Co-worker. He’s good, but man, it’s so in-your-face, what between his dapper vest and his dialogue (after saying something wildly inappropriate, he actually follows up with: “Sorry. I was trying to be your saucy gay friend.”). Emma Roberts plays Riley Banks, a Britney pop tart that Celeste’s company is now repping. And guess what? Roberts is good too. Other characters are peppered in, many showing up as Celeste’s misfire dates; the guy in her yoga class (an extremely funny turn for Chris Messina), sensitive folkie hipster (akin to ANNIE HALL’S “Touch my heart…with your foot.”) Rupert (Rafi Gavron), whack job Nick (Matthew Del Negro) and Max (Rich Sommer), the guy who knows Celeste isn’t ready to date.

There is such a fantastic moment in this movie, which I’m going to try to not give away. It’s when a character is so far down they have nowhere else to go, and as they walk away, heartbroken from what their life has become, something funny looms ahead…I mean, physically funny - a sight gag. It could have been played for laughs. It should have been played for laughs. And you think it will be. But there’s a stunning reversal that turned this potentially silly moment into a bucket of treacle.

Director Lee Toland Krieger does a very good job both technically and performance-wise, considering his scant credits (he’d only made two under the radar films before this). The DVD commentary with Krieger (or is it Toland Krieger?), Jones and McCormack (my law firm!) is a gabfest where every shot, scene, actor, light, wardrobe piece is the best shot, scene, actor, light and wardrobe piece in the movie. And telling us that grips and wardrobe were crying during an emotional scene smells of hyperbole. It’s like they made THE LEGO MOVIE - everything is awesome. A second commentary finds Jones and Samberg interacting the same way as Celeste and Jesse. They hardly talk about the movie at all. They kibitz and say the word “dope” a lot.

Don’t let this blip of a movie fool you. It’s funny, and at times, it’s really funny. And unlike the characters, the movie is put together well. I liked the cinéma vérité when it’s just the two of them, and the extreme silence when Celeste is by herself, thinking. Effective. Fellow SNL alumnus (with Samberg, not me), Jones has comedic chops, but also, and more importantly, she knows how to hold back when she needs to. Samberg is this generation’s Chris Elliot; the lovable, even though he can be annoying, buffoon (see his BROOKLYN NINE-NINE series. No, I mean it, see it. It’s funny.). Even he himself acknowledges - “It was a weird decision for me to actively pursue a movie that wasn’t just super-goofy.”

CELESTE AND JESSE FOREVER (2012) reminded me of Joan Micklin Silver’s overlooked 1979 film CHILLY SCENES OF WINTER. Both low concept romantic comedies featuring “real” people. Both have characters that find it impossible to let go of each other, to the point where you want to shout, “What don’t you guys understand?!?” And the answer? Their feelings. We don’t always understand our feelings. And although the ending gives us hope for Celeste’s future, you won’t hear Carly Simon belting out a rousing anthem of empowerment.

Preshow Entertainment: CBS MORNING NEWS from August 1987

Attention old people! You know how you used to tape things on VHS? And when the show was over, it would keep on taping if you didn’t set the timer? That’s probably how I got this – a newscast from 1987. And it was fascinating. An amazing time capsule from a forgotten era…which many of us have lived in.

The first story was about a possible cure for AIDS…the first test of a vaccine on humans. The anchors were Faith Daniels and Harry Smith.
Mom Madonna Kennedy hangs on for dear life as her husband tries to drive off with their one-year-old. For thirty minutes with speeds up to 80mph, he took alleys, roads and even the 405, which probably slowed him down. I just found the story online: http://go.shr.lc/SFBLYk
There was also a story on Northwest flight 255, which crashed out of Detroit…and onto a street. All but one passenger, a 4-year-old girl, died.
Commercials included a Supercolor antenna from Radio Shack for $21.99 that’s easy to install (they show dad on the roof, and then watching the football game). I had taped this in NYC, so we got some local ads like Kitchen Beautiful, the Atrium Restaurant (two blocks south of the World Trade Center), and Caesar’s Bay Bazaar, all complete with NY accents.

Posted by Rich at 4:12 PM | Permalink |