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Your March 2006 Random Movie Club Results Are In!!

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This was a screening that RMC member Jessie should have attended. Details forthcoming.

The Preshow Entertainment was TRAPPED IN THE CLOSET by R. Kelly. I don't quite know how to begin describing this 40-minute genre-bending story-video. Told in 12 chapters, Kelly's hip-soap-hopera tells the story of a man who cheats on his woman, his woman who cheats on him, another man (a pastor) who cheats on his woman with another man (a deacon), while another man (a cop) cheats with the first man's woman as his woman (southern trash who is allergic to cherries) cheats on him with a midget who needs an inhaler (and later while laying on the kitchen table, says he crapped himself). There's adultery, gunplay, speeding (going 60 in a 40), an innocent person shot, and a stripper. And plenty of laughs.
Trapped in the Closet

Kelly's either a complete nut or a really smart guy. Rumor has it that this amazing display of art was a ruse to hijack attention from his "other" video, the one that found him on the wrong side of the law. But discounting that, and hold onto your do-rags, this video may just be better than you think. Much better.

I liked it. No, I loved it. I rented the DVD because I saw about 20 seconds of it on TV, after which they had to get the Jaws of Life to scrape me off the floor. It was so out there. So I rented it to laugh at it (and I did!), but walked away with an admiration I never dreamed of.

TRAPPED IN THE CLOSET is groundbreaking. It has all the elements of an opera, be it soap or standard, modernized for today's audience. Whatever Kelly's true intentions were for writing it, who cares? It's entertainment on so many levels. Therefore, can anyone hate this? It's a win-win. If you love it you win, and if you hate it, it's the funniest thing in the world, so…you win.

As for the song itself? Well, what can you say about a man who rhymes the word "laugh" with "laugh," and the word "closet" with "closet." I'm telling you youngsters, this man is fearless and committed.

The selection this time was a TV movie from 1983 called DEADLY LESSONS. I've no idea why I have this. I can only guess that it was because Ally Sheedy was in it before she was famous. That and back in the early '80s I taped everything.

DEADLY LESSONS is a slasher flick without a slasher. That makes it just a flick. Donna Reed, in her last role (unless you're counting THE LOVE BOAT and DALLAS) stars as Miss Wade, the headmistress of Starkwater Boarding School, where girls are getting murdered Agatha-style. Although it's summer and there are only a handful of girls there, Wade persuades Detective Kemper (CHiPs' Larry Wilcox) to not go to the press. As more girls die or go missing, everyone is suspect:

The overweight picked-on girl (Bart Simpson voicer Nancy Cartwright), the stable boy (Bill "I'll direct FRAILTY one day" Paxton), riding instructor Ferrer (David Ackroyd, fresh off his role in COCAINE: ONE MAN'S SEDUCTION), the new girl Stephanie (Diane Franklin, who grew up a town away from me and sang the national anthem at a Dodger's game 2 years ago), Rick Rossovich (TOP GUN's "Slider"), creepy handyman Hartigan, the girl everyone hates- Althea, and Shama, the girl who likes to talk about murder. The only suspect missing at Starkwater is Professor Plum.

But the one character we must mention here is Mrs. Hunt, played by Ruth Silveira. Ruth is (ready?), RMCer Jessie's mom!!

Anyway, not much happens in DEADLY LESSONS. In fact, there is only one onscreen lesson (on MERCHANT OF VENICE) and one offscreen lesson (1983 TV movies are more fun if the original commercials are still intact). Girls die (sadly, we never see a single murder) and everyone is a suspect. That's it. Except for stuff like why aren't authorities called in? And why doesn't anyone use the phone when the killer is trying to get in. And why do the girls walk around the empty house and grounds alone? Where is the logic? Answer? Trapped in the closet.

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