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Mystery Alaska poster
Tagline: A Small Town on the Outskirts of Greatness

The Preshow Entertainment was LISA LAMPANELLI: TAKE IT LIKE A MAN. Lisa is what is known as an "equal opportunity insult comic," and perfect at it. Listening to her act, I felt like a bullrider trying to hang on for 8 seconds. Out of the gate, she is one non-stop sentence of abuse of every ethnicity. And although a lot of her subject matter is repetitious, especially in the second half of the hour plus show, it is ferociously funny. I wholeheartedly recommend renting the DVD and sitting around with a bunch of friends, as I couldn't do it justice. And have I ever steered you wrong (this year)?

See if you can guess the movie- A stellar cast featuring Russell Crowe, Hank Azaria, Burt Reynolds, Lolita Davidovich, Ron "Blind Justice" Eldard, Colm Meany, Mary McCormack, Judith Ivey, Maury Chaykin, Michael McKean, Mike Myers, Beth Littleford and (hang on to your hat) Little Richard.

Don't know yet? Okay, here's some plot- A town made up of people who when they don't like what you say, shoot or punch you. They play hockey and do nothing else. They only have one store in town, yet somehow a Wal-Mart-like store wants to move in.

Still don't know what movie we saw? Well, that's because this film did its main job for mankind- to go unnoticed.

The film is called MYSTERY, ALASKA. An interesting premise- small blip of a town plays hockey on a pond, gets in a Sports Illustrated, and the next thing they know the New York Rangers are coming to play them in a national televised event. But the movie lays there like a lox riddled with cliches. Like Little Richard himself, this film doesn't know what it wants to be. Comedy? Drama? Soap opera? Sports movie? Quirky? Romantic comedy? Foreign film?

The thing about MYSTERY, ALASKA is nothing happens. The real mystery is that David E. Kelley co-wrote this. That and why no one stopped this film from being made. Didn't someone somewhere shake someone somewhere by the shoulders and say, "Umm, you need this compelling, or funny, or sad, or at very least... entertaining."

Now, who doesn't like a good underdog story (FLASHDANCE!). But when the underdogs are liars, cheaters, adulterers, criminals, bad sportsman and sore losers, well, you just root for them to lose.

Directed by shitty helmer Jay Roach (THE AUSTIN POWERS TRILOGY), there is no life to this film at all. It's as cold as the town. And the entire cast looks like it was doing Community Service in Canada.

Now, we've seen some movies at RMC that sucked the blood out of us. This wasn't one. It was simply a crappy movie that we had fun chewing into pieces and spitting out. I mean, how can you sit there and say nothing when after the town loses, Burt Reynolds starts the "one person in the crowd clapping, then two, then three, then four, then the whole crowd" maneuver?

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