Random Movie Club

Your December 2008 Random Movie Club Results Are In!

Tagline: Bernie and Theresa have only one thing in common... they were made for each other.

Preshow: Entertainment Tonight from the 1980s, THE ROCKY HORROR PICTURE SHOW "Where Are They Now?".

Pizza: Santino's? Nope. They didn't answer their phone. Looks like they're gone. So we went to the next random pizza pick: Ameci!

MY VERY FAVORITE SCREEN COUPLE, JASON ALEXANDER AND NIA PEEPLES, STAR IN I DON'T BUY KISSES ANYMORE, A BOY MEETS GOY LOVE STORY

It's going to be hard for me to slam the little known movie I DON'T BUY KISSES ANYMORE. I mean, how can you tear down a movie whose cast includes Larry Storch, Lainie Kazan, Eileen Brennan and Lou Jacobi? They're all heavyweights. Well, in my head, at least.

(Please Note: As I DON'T BUY KISSES ANYMORE is not the most popular film to not hit theaters, we were only able to locate two pictures. Therefore, our way-hot RMC Librarian has added a few random, miscellaneous photos to enhance your reading pleasure, like this one of a couple standing in front of a fake whale.)

The story begins in a shoe store where a young Bernie Fishbine is learning to work the register from his dad. The scene wipes to present day where Bernie (Jason Alexander) now runs the store. Bernie's not in denial. He's knows he's portly, single and living at home with mom and grandpa. But he's likable. I mean, the guy eats pastrami sandwiches...while walking. Yes Bernie, like so many of us, is simply resigned to what his life has become. Oh if only he had some motivation to change, like, say, a student who also sings and plays Italian songs at her uncle's restaurant. And so begins the old fashioned courtship known as Fat Jew Meets Smoking Hot Italian (the film's original title?).

Bernie (Jason Alexander) tries to get in shape

To keep in the game of remotely having a shot at Theresa (Nia Peeples), milquetoast Bernie must cut out milk, toast and everything else he's been shoving into his punam. From now on it's salads and, for comic relief - the gym. Gym scenes where the buff trainer and/or menacing weight machine show the mark who's boss have been done a gazillion times, but I have to say they work for me nearly every time. And having Jason Alexander as the rube makes it that much better.

Anyway, things are going well, despite the secret that Theresa is keeping. But there's a funny thing about secrets in movies - they always get out. So when Bernie discovers that Theresa befriended him not to get into his size 44 Wranglers, but to do research on a paper on obese people, things go huge belly up. Bernie takes off to Hawaii and Theresa sings O SOLE MIO at the restaurant (now would be a good time to tell you that many of the songs in the movie were composed and/or arranged by exotica king Les Baxter).

When a movie doesn't try to be more than it is, you have to view it on those terms. IDBKA is not a bad movie, it's just not a good movie. It tries hard to be charming, and often succeeds, mostly because it's populated with actors who can...act. As mentioned earlier, the supporting players are old school showbiz royalty. Lainie Kazan plays Bernie's mother, and his grandfather is Lou Jacobi (Oscarworthy, I say!).

Larry Storch and Eileen Brennan run the candy store where Bernie buys the Hershey's Kisses referred to in the title (the movie coincidentally...or not...takes place in Pennsylvania where Hershey's makes its home). And here's the part that knocked me over. I kinda liked Alexander and Peeples together. Alexander is well (fat-)suited for the role and Nia (who is no Pia) is a natural. So it's a double shame the movie itself never quite punches through. It's often undermined by its stereotypical portrayal of Jewish and Italian families, almost as if the filmmaker learned about America from watching 1930s movies. IDBKA is a throwback to a movie universe where people can get married after a few dates. To be honest there was a part of me that found that choice endearing, but it goes too far (his mom actually wants to give Bernie chicken soup when he's depressed). Even the wardrobe (Bernie's cabbie cap and bow tie) and the old Hamilton Beach malted mixer seem to fit the image.

However, I did get a cheap thrill when his mom is talking to Bernie about his diet; "We're going to take those 30 pounds off you, just like Dr. Nathanson says." So there. Now I'm a doctor.

When the screen first lit up I thought; Jason Alexander (who believe it or not was wearing a fat suit so that when he loses his weight he wouldn't look fat anymore...well...AS fat anymore) and Nia Peeples? Typical. He's 50 and she's 15. Imagine my surprise to learn they are only 2 years apart. I believe Nia Peeples is a much better actress than given credit. I think people see her pretty face (how could you miss it?), and know her from silly things like the 1980s FAME TV show and her MTV hosting gig on THE PARTY MACHINE WITH NIA PEEPLES and assume she has no chops. But she's pretty good.

Now this "Theresa Loves Bernie"/Beauty and the Beast story could have been played out on the broadest of canvases. But it's not. It's a small story, a small movie. It's MY BIG FAT GREEK WEDDING but without the Greek wedding. Like a Hershey's Kiss, I DON'T BUY KISSES ANYMORE is a sweet'n'low-key confection. Sadly, it's also about as temporary. It may not thrill you, but it won't kill you either. And I should know. After all, I am a doctor.

PRESHOW ENTERTAINMENT:

We watched two things for the preshow. THE ROCKY HORROR PICTURE SHOW "Where Are They Now?" and the second half of an ENTERTAINMENT TONIGHT from 1985 (we watched the first half when we saw MIDNIGHT EXPRESS). We finished the ET hunk on a new actor named William Peterson and moved on to the reason I taped it all those years ago, the Todd Rundgren segment. You who know me know what a fan I am of Todd's (since 1977). This was when he released the album A CAPELLA, recorded, as the title implies, with only his voice. What the title did not imply was his method of cheating, using a keyboard instrument called the Emulator. It processes your voice to sound like instruments. So we watched him demonstrate the Emulator. The love I have for the A CAPELLA album is deep. One of my favorite Todd songs, the Marvin Gaye-ish LOST HORIZON is on there. Why, if it weren't for the inane MIRACLE IN THE BIZARRE and the infinite version of The Spinners' MIGHTY LOVE, it could have been a perfect record. But I'm just yapping. That happens when I get started on Todd.

I love ROCKY HORROR. From the early (not earliest, but early) days in the late 70s at the 8th Street Playhouse, when I used to play guitar on the line and everyone would sing...to today. But where are they now? I'm not sure I really care. I mean, we all know where Susan Sarandon and Meat Loaf are. And Barry Bostwick to some extent. But do I really need to know where some of the Transylvanians are today? Nope. But I do now.

Posted by Rich on December 06, 2008 at 5:00 PM | Permalink