JAILBAIT
Tagline: A comedy about getting off…..with probation
Pizza: JC's Famous Pizza
Preshow Entertainment: THE PEE-WEE HERMAN SHOW
JAILBAIT ISN'T THE WORST
MOVIE I'VE EVER SEEN.
NO WAIT, MAYBE IT IS.
MOVIE I'VE EVER SEEN.
NO WAIT, MAYBE IT IS.
I was excited when the title JAILBAIT popped up as the selection in the Random Movie Generator. But when I went to grab the movie off the wall, it turned out it wasn't the Ed Wood JAIL BAIT of 1954.
I'm tempted to tell you how great this movie is, but it's just not so. Not by a million miles. But I thought; I had to watch it, why shouldn't you? Well I'm mean, but not that mean. Heck, I wouldn't even be offended if you didn't read this write-up. But then again, if you read on, maybe you can feel my pain. After all, I died so that you may live, so you sort of owe me. In fact, I had to watch this movie twice to do this write-up, so I rented the DVD as well. It had some nudity not featured in the version we watched (which originally aired on MTV in 2000), but, and I cannot believe I’m about to say this, all the young naked breasts in the world couldn’t save this condescending and cynical load of monkey dump. This movie doesn't even have its own Wikipedia page. Christ, even Normanichthys crockeri and La Branza, California have one.
JAILBAIT is a comedy about a high school cad who, while dating the most popular girl in school, dates and paws every girl he can. He even knocks up a fifteen year old trailer slut and a half. And then, he turns 18…and suddenly this movie turns into everyone's favorite comedy topic - statutory rape.
But let me be serious for a second. You see, I actually think this is a great idea for a movie, because doesn't this describe a ton (million?) of kids right now? Because she was not yet 16 and he was just 18 (state laws vary, please boink responsibly), he now faces a 40 year jail term. I've been thinking of an idea like this for a script for a decade now (must I do everything?); five minutes before midnight on her 16th birthday, he's a criminal...but ten minutes later, he's not. I think this is a great story and would make a compelling drama (maybe someone has done it?). But instead, they made an immature, flat, unfunny and excruciating movie that they should be ashamed of. And to add insult to insult, every character in JAILBAIT is dumb and self-serving. Here’s a character breakdown:
- ADAM (Kevin Mundy) – Boyfriend of Amber’s. Eyes every female. Sleeps with lots of them. Idiot. Gets Gynger pregnant.
- GYNGER (Alycia Purrott) – 15. No Mary Ann here, this little Kelly Bundy is a trailer tramp who doesn’t even like Adam that much. Has a boyfriend in jail. (Where was this girl when I was in high school?)
- AMBER (Reagan Pasternack) – Wants to be “the next Mr. Adam.” Virgin ("sex is only fun when you’re married"). Sees Adam’s promiscuity as an immature phase that’s really hard for him. (Where was this girl when I was in high school?)
- CLOPPERMAN (Scott McCord) – Adam’s showy, lousy and (wait for it) farting lawyer.
- LYDIA STONE (Mo Gaffney) - Assistant DA, vying for mayor. Uses Adam’s “sexual offender” status to up her profile.
So Stone sees to it that Gynger (now referred to by her initials: GAG) and Adam’s situation makes headlines, and at the advice of Clopperman, the two pretend to be in love. This leaves Amber on the sidelines, but she’s okay with that because Clopperman tells her there will be a payday. Yep. Unbelievably, each scene is worse (read: shittier) than the one before it. And it doesn’t help that Amber VOs the entire movie, doubly annoying as she does it with a screechy, mousy, fake-teen-talking voice.
One particularly reprehensible scene has Adam and Gynger trying to get rid of their unborn baby through words (“Why don’t you try punching me in the stomach?”) and actions (like rolling her down a hill, shaking her upside down, catapulting her from a tennis net, or having her drink a blender concoction with ingredients like pizza, sardines, pickles and….live frog. Moviemaking to be proud of. The only thing JAILBAIT is missing is Mary Gross faceplanting into mashed potatoes and Matt Frewer eagerly offering to demonstrate to (and with) his son how to masturbate. Oh okay, I was fibbing. That's all in the movie too.
Then there’s dialogue like - Amber: "So what if my boyfriend knocked up a 15 year old girl. Twice. Does that mean he has to spend all my childbearing years in jail?"
JAILBAIT tries hard, no, desperately, to hit every MTV bullet point. It even includes a pointless (out-of-nowhere!) faux music video where Gynger mimics Britney's BABY ONE MORE TIME. There's a Smash Mouth song too (though not one of the famous ones, natch) to score a few extra credit MTV points. Oh, and hey, like wanna get drunk? Knock one back every time a “record scratch” is used.
Now I know exactly what you're thinking; "This objet d'art does not warrant such vituperative criticism. Rich is obviously an old guy who doesn't understand this young movie." Let me just say this - maybe you're right. Maybe they were just trying to ride the AMERICAN PIE wave of the era. But PIE, like it or not, was more than shock moments and gross-outs. It had characters that people that age could relate to. If you relate to the characters in JAILBAIT, well that just means I've probably seen you in the audience of THE JERRY SPRINGER SHOW. With all the ingredients in JAILBAIT, they forgot to bake the damn PIE. And we're left to eat it uncooked.
Writer/director Allan Moyle really messed this one up. Big time. Especially sad because he wrote and directed the infinitely superior PUMP UP THE VOLUME and the sleeper movie NEW WATERFORD GIRL which was so warm. How does that happen?
JAILBAIT was based on an actual case, but the judge was lenient and the town rallied and the boy got two years probation. See? Toldya it was a good idea for a movie.
The funniest part of the night came after the movie was over. See, I taped this off of MTV when it originally aired in 2000. Apparently, they thought this crap would be controversial enough to warrant an epilogue disclaimer. So there he was, MTV's own John Norris, sitting on the stool and looking at us, and saying the words that made us all burst out laughing: "Hi, this is John Norris from MTV News. I hope you enjoyed tonight's movie JAILBAIT, which was obviously a comedy..."
Preshow Entertainment: THE PEE-WEE HERMAN SHOW
Pee-Wee Herman, the playful, sometimes naughty boy comes alive in a seamless hour of non-stop glee. He’s assisted by supporting players (including the late Phil Hartman) that are like the E Street Band to Bruce. I can’t imagine the moron in the audience back in 1981 not realizing they were watching something special. Man, I could almost smell the theater in my living room, which is not such a great choice of phrase considering it’s Reubens.
Originally aired as part of HBO's ON LOCATION, THE PEE-WEE HERMAN SHOW (not to be confused with his PLAYHOUSE series) is now on DVD, and I totally suggest you rent it. Okay, okay!
