SUPERGIRL
Your September 2005 RMC results are in!!!
The Preshow Entertainment was a mix of 5 segments from the past- 3 from SNL, one from LETTERMAN, and a rock video.
Segment 1 - Harry Anderson doing magic tricks on SNL. Unknown at the time, Harry fancied himself a magician (and still does...he's touring now!). His stage demeanor is smarmy/charming. He made a joint appear in flash paper, made it explode, and did some punny patter. But his grand act was the store-bought "needle-thru-arm" trick. Yeah, it's hack, but I thought he did a pretty good job with it.
Segment 2 - Earlier, I had mis-cued the Harry Anderson bit, and instead it was cued up to SUPERMAN II. It was a coincidence that minutes later we would be viewing a Superman skit on SNL. Margot Kidder was the host, and she was Lois throwing a party with hubby Bill Murray's lovable Superman. Guests included Dan Aykroyd as The Flash, Belushi was The Hulk with Laraine Newman as his wife Cookie Hulk, and Garrett Morris was Antman. Also on hand was Spider-Man, Spider-Woman, and a guy in a The Thing costume that was a great visual. The skit had some really funny and brilliant moments that had us laughing out loud; a woman screaming as The Hulk exits the bathroom saying, "If Sue Richards The Invisible Girl wants to use the bathroom she should lock the door!" But underneath all the sharp parody, and what made it work on an invisible level, was the fact that the party chatter was all real party chatter, just skewed for super heroes. Like gossip: "Did you see the love handles on The Flash?", and social strata: Antman, who no one heard of, was the party's geek that they could make fun of.
Segment 3 - From the vaults of great moments in television, this was Joe Cocker and John Belushi performing "Feelin' Alright". It's great being in a room where not everyone has seen this, because the reveal is killer. They start as just a regular song with Cocker and full band (mostly the Blues Brothers band with three backing vocalists), playing it straight. Well, as straight as it can be with Cocker's delightful spasms. Then, for the second verse, enter Sir John Belushi, dressed identically as Cocker, doing his Cocker impression. It's right up there with Bing Crosby and David Bowie as a duet that made TV history. And it's still as funny today as it was decades ago. Sweet and pure comedy.
Segment 4 - Stephen King on Letterman. With nothing to promote but the movie CREEPSHOW that was coming out months later (remember those days?), King and Letterman talk as if they were on a talk show (remember those days?). Just two people sitting around talking, being themselves and looking for holes to put funny in. The segment must have lasted 12 minutes and included the line, "That's Ted Danson, from BODY HEAT..."
Segment 5 - "Once in a Lifetime" video from Talking Heads. We all know this one. It's the same as it ever was.
The movie we watched, coincidentally another in the SUPERMAN franchise, may be the shittiest movie ever made. With a script as bare (bare is one letter away from barf) and amorphous as the sets, SUPERGIRL is a mindless and mind-numbing ride. It features a cast that doesn't even bother to taste the sparse scenery let alone chew on it, and a story which makes A HITCHHIKER'S GUIDE TO THE GALAXY seem like a documentary. SUPERGIRL is a lethal box of Kryptonite and should be studied in film schools. On second thought, I'm thinking perhaps screening it for prisoners instead.
Laced with product placement like A & W Root Beer machines, signs, and cups, SUPERGIRL was made between SUPERMAN III and SUPERMAN IV: QUEST FOR PIECE OF CRAP. It is insanely and ineptly directed by a Frog named Jeannot Szwarc, who unwisely left his name on the project. I think even Alan Smithee would kill himself had he directed this. Szwarc is known in my life for a movie I waited in line 3 hours for- JAWS II. I've hated him ever since, even though he did a bunch of NIGHT GALLERY episodes and still directs (BOSTON LEGAL!). SUPERGIRL was written by a fella named David Odell, who better hope I never meet him. I may beat the shit out of him, since that is what he did to me.
It was an hour and forty-three minutes (there is a director's cut that is two hours and eighteen minutes!!!). I'm not really sure if I can even tell you the story, but I shall try-
Kara (Helen Slater's debut, only one letter off from debit), on a planet named Argonia, is a stupid teenager yet speaks with a Shakespearean bend. When an energy force that keeps the planet alive called the Omegahedron (a small ball) flies out through their window (which is really a painter's drop cloth), Kara jumps into a craft to follow it to Earth. All done despite the protests of Zaltar (Peter O'Toole) and Alura (Mia Farrow). Meanwhile, on Earth, the Omegahedron falls in Selena (Faye Dunaway) and friend Nigel's (Peter Cook) soup tureen at a picnic. And since Selena is already a witch striving for world domination, the orb comes in handy. We learn that Selena has a side kick named Bianca (Brenda Vaccaro), and they live in an abandoned amusement park. I think.
Kara lands on Earth wearing a Supergirl outfit. I have zero idea where or how she got it, unless there's a Suits 4 Less on Mercury. Not schooled on what Earth is like, she comes across two truck drivers who of course want to have sex with her (one is named Eddie, one of TWO Eddies in the movie). So Stupidgirl kicks the crap outta them.
She has two days to find the Omegahedron or her planet will explode. So instead of finding the orb, she enrolls in private school. Once there, she becomes roommates with Lois Lane's sister named Lucy and played by the mousy chick from FAME (Maureen Teefy).
The rest of the movie is Faye Dunaway and Helen Slater sparring through things that I can't even define as effects (dry ice and sparklers?) over a beefcake tree surgeon (Hart Bochner). Never mind her planet's impending doom, and the town of Midvale (Metropolis Very Lite) getting pummeled.
Then, the town sees a mountain, and no one knows how it got there. Even the badly-looped Jimmy Olsen (Marc McClure, the only original cast member to return for this outing).
Okay, I'm not finished talking about the effects. According to IMDB: The scene where Supergirl flies out of the lake was actually a photograph of Helen Slater pasted on a wooden cut-out. And that was one of the better effects. The Phantom Zone is nothing but a whirlpool (the Ajax white tornado looked better). And the opening credits of words and fog cost a million bucks.
Supergirl lies to people a lot in this movie. Superman never did that. He was righteous, and sincere, and stood for truth and justice. Supergirl was a liar, an airhead, and a brat. Although these days, that has become the American Way.
The film was twice nominated...but for Razzies. And that's too good for them. But we had a lot of fun making a lot of fun of it. Plus we now can spend the rest of our lives knowing we never have to see it again. And also, we can say we've seen it. Can you? I mean, without lying like Supergirl?
If only Supergirl flew around the world fast, turning back time 103 minutes so we could have picked another movie.
Tags: random movie club, supergirl, helen slater
